Drawn on Your English Assignment Everyday
by factoryrain
Summary: Arthur Kirkland wants some love. Everything awful you could write into a single fanfiction all summed up in a France/England one-shot. NSFW


Drawn on your English Assignment Daily

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><p>A crack Pirate!EnglandPirate!France One-shot by FactoryRain

Dedicated to my dear friend, Michael, who sits behind me in English and apparently follows my blog, reads my fanfictions, and somehow can still look me in the eyes.

Have fun reading this one, nerd.

Warnings: NSFW, This whole thing is a mess starting with the title. This was written in a joking manner and for fun. It also contains google-translated French, attempted wrong uses for lube, bad synonyms, inside jokes, and terrible smut.

If you are looking for a serious FrUk oneshot, you clicked on the wrong link, buddy.

If not, enjoy.

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><p>It was a very sunny afternoon out at sea for Captain Arthur Kirkland and his crew. The pirate man watched as the ship approached a far-off island. <em>We should more than likely land before dark<em>, he thought to himself. What the large-browed individual didn't know was what was lying ahead of him, the first being how wrong he was because the ship docked at the large ass country of France after dark. The other being is something more unexpected than that.

Arthur totally ditched his crew to take part in drinking at some near-by bar. After an hour of drowning his dirty pirate sorrows in tequila and margaritas, Arthur began to think very deeply about his life. Is his adventuring fulfilling to him? Is he truly happy? Does he get enough sleep? Did he wash his hair this week? He just didn't know. What did Arthur Kirkland sincerely want with his life? Riches and power? Maybe a new car. Wait, scratch that, this is set in the 1700s probably.

Arthur was a lonely man, he couldn't deny it. As he stumbled back towards his beloved pirate ship, the S.S. Michael, a very serious topic came to his mind; booty.

Ah, booty, Arthur would love it so. Not the pirate kind, but the booty booty. You know, butts. He wanted that. Arthur came to the conclusion that he should find someone to love and care for him. The drunken British asshole suddenly decided to stay out a little longer than he planned.

In the streets, he saw many people, but none sparked his interest. Some waved and smiled at him, but he just wasn't feeling it. The night began to go on, more and more people began to disappear into their cozy homes to sleep. Arthur proceeded in hopes to find his special someone.

His motivation went down more as the streets went empty. The scumbag captain was about to call it quits and run home to his boat and cry in his private quarters. He suddenly spotted a group of 3, very, very attractive gentlemen.

The white-haired one had leaned over to the other two and whispered something while looking at him. One of the others, a beautiful full-blooded Spaniard, laughed a sincere laugh, only taking a glance at Arthur. Arthur took one glimpse at that man and couldn't help but notice he probably had the most amazing ass he had ever had the pleasure of glimpsing at. This pair of buttocks was as impressive as Kim Kardashian's, but Arthur wouldn't have made that comparison because this happened well before her time. It was so majestic that he knew it had to belong to someone else; the Spanish wonder was off-limits.

The last one, a handsome blond Frenchman, turned around. Arthur hated the arrogance expressed in his smile, but he'll have to do. But how would he seduce this attractive creature? He forgot to bring his 1700's equivalent to axe body spray and he sure in hell smells like putrid shit. _Maybe my sweet gentlemany words will make up for it_, he told himself confidently. He approached the scruffy Frenchman and pushed the albino piece of shit out of the way. Arthur slipped his left arm over the blond's shoulder and his right leg over his waist. "What's up you sensual lampshade?" Arthur cooed.

The other nearly fainted from the Brit's words. They were the most beautiful words he had ever had to pleasure of hearing. He pulled Arthur close, their noses just an inch apart, probably just an inch because nobody measured.

"Oh hon hon hon," The Frenchman laughed. "Who are you?"

"Captain Arthur Kirkland," Captain Arthur Kirkland replied. "I'm here for your booty,"

"You can have it on one condition," The other told him.

Arthur grinned at him. "What's the condition?"

"Show me how big it is," They gave each other very sexual looks before Arthur dragged the man across town, leaving his background-character friends behind. When they reached their destination, Arthur showed him what he had.

"It's so big," The blondie examined it. "Can I touch it?"

"Yeah man," Arthur grinned. "Stroke it," The man reached his hand out and touched Arthur's ship that was docked. He had never seen such a pirate ship.

"But I'm afraid to say mine's bigger," Francis pointed to the ship right next to Arthur's.

"What where the frick frack snick snack hacky sack mink mack shit shat lumber jack did that come from?" Arthur wailed.

"Did you not notice it when you docked that thing?" he asked. "I've been here for weeks."

"What the _fuck_,"

"Want me to show you around, mon cher?"

"Sure bruh," Arthur followed the French dude into his ship. It was a nice ship, nice people made up Francis's crew except for some mother fucker named Richard. Richard was rude and nobody liked his racism, misogyny and ableism expressed in his attitude.

He ended the tour in his private quarters where he attempted to pick up Arthur and throw him on his bed.

As two arms pulled Arthur off his feet, he instantly began to squirm around. "Be gentle you tit!" He screamed.

"Don't worry, mon cher, my bed is hella comfortable." Arthur flailed his limbs as the still-yet-to-tell-him-his-name threw him in the air. He landed in the center of the bed.

"Wow this is hella comfortable," He rolled around on the bed.

The man crawled over him and held him down to kiss him gently on the lips. Arthur made a face after he pulled away. "Hold up I don't even know your name, you frog!"

"Is that important?" he asked.

"Well you see you've been referred to as the man at least three or so times, so I think so,"

"Oh, I'm Francis,"

"Okay continue, Francis,"

Francis leaned in and kissed Arthur again. He kissed slowly and steadily, perfect for Arthur who hasn't been kissed for who knows how long. "Do you like that?" He asked before continuing. Arthur shrugged, being coy. Francis continued, Arthur smiled and tingled a little. "That feels good," he groaned. As things got steamier, Francis started to use some tongue. Arthur readily opened his mouth and welcomed the slimy pink mouth-thing into his mouth and their tongues fought for dominance. With a war that nearly seemed to last a lifetime, the tongues called a truce and signed a peace treaty. Francis and Arthur were very confused but continued making out after the peace dinner and party.

They take quick breaths between sloppy kisses while pulling off each other's clothes without much thought. Francis moved his hands along Arthur's sides and near his sensitive areas. "You have a nice touch." Arthur moaned. Francis continued to touch him, accidentally tickling him. Arthur's face scrunched up. "That tickles!" He giggled like Jane for lineplay or something. Francis ignored that and began to kiss down to his neck. This was one of the rare times Francis had gotten intimate with a complete stranger. As long as things were consensual, he was okay, but he had to make sure.

Arthur pushed Francis down on his back and pulled down his pants just a little bit more. He impatiently reached down his undergarments and pulled out Francis's baguette, and I'm not talking about bread, and grinned. Arthur moaned as he looked at how big it was. His breath fastened. "Mon cher, do you think we're going too far?" He asked.

Arthur thought for a second. He shrugged and poked it.

"Nah, let's continue," They continued to make out a whole lot. When both of them were bottomless and the only clothing item that remained on Arthur was his unbuttoned shirt, Francis sat up.

"I need to get the lube," Arthur frowned at him.

"How unprofessional,"

"Okay," Francis stood up. "Explain to me how I could have had everything prepared when you came out of nowhere?"

"Ugh, shut up and get the lube already," Arthur complained. Francis looked through a few cabinets. "Would molasses work?"

"What? NO!" Arthur screamed. Francis went back to searching.

"How about paint?"

"Yes, go ahead and shove your paint-covered knob up my arse," Francis approached him while opening the jar of paint. "Francis I was _kidding_,"

"Oh," he threw the jar to the side and searched more. "How about glue?"

"Francis what the fuck,"

"I think I have some tomato paste in here somewhere…"

"I don't think so, frog!"

"Ah ha!" Francis pulled out a beaker. "Hydrochloric acid!"

"Oh my fucking, I'm leaving,"

"No! Hold on!" He dove under his bed and returned with a bottle of lube. "Found some,"

"JEAHSUS, Francis," Arthur lay back down. "Now hurry up,"

"You don't rush this stuff, mon cher," Francis told him. "You need time to prepare."

"Psst, okay," Arthur whined. "Just stop using mon cher, you've said it at least three times, use another fucking French word,"

"As you wish, mon oeuf," Francis returned to his place on top of Arthur. He placed a few more kisses on Arthur's lips and began to stroke his dingle donger. Arthur moaned even louder as he felt his ass tingle. "Mmm yes fuck me hard, Franco," He spread his legs.

"Oh, you're so gorgeous," He quickly soaked his fingers with lube and prepared Arthur. "So tight," He noted as he stuck a finger up his poop-chute.

"If your fingers weren't already in my arse I probably would have been turned off by that," Arthur complained. As Francis began to move his boney fingers around his ham flower, Arthur shut up and started making lewd noises.

"Ah… mauvaises perruques de qualité," Francis whispered. Arthur grabbed the sheets so hard that they tore as they began to do the frick frack and screamed like Katie when she does that fucking crab walk.

"Je ne peux pas croire Sonic le hérisson est putain morts," Francis groaned.

"Ahh!" Arthur mewed. Francis was slow at first, but pleasurable. "T-That's the catch of the day!"

"oh mon beau gay comme merde autre s'il vous plaît assurez fois de plus que le bruit de la obscene," Francis whispered to him.

"Ohh~ F-Francis speak more of that beautiful language to me!"

"i cuire le pain parfois le week-end," he growled in response. Arthur moaned, telling Francis that he enjoyed his words. "Une prostituée pattes."

"Ahh~ Francis, now spank me like an almost empty bottle of ketchup," Francis instantly stopped.

"What?"

"You heard me,"

"I am not going to look at ketchup without thinking of your butt so I hope that's worth it,"

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Nothing,"

Francis continued until Arthur was about to reach his limit. "Francis! I'm about to… To…"

"To what?" Francis grinned.

"You know what!" Arthur griped at him. "Give me something, ahh!" Francis leaned across his back and kissed the back of his neck.

"Omelete du fromage," he growled.

"Here comes the wave!" Arthur instantly came with a Sydney scream.

Afterwards, Arthur fell asleep while lying in Francis's lap. Francis cried because those damn sheets are hella expensive.

The end.

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><p>Notes:<p>

First of all, I am so sorry for this.

Basically, I got this ridiculous idea when I discovered that Michael follows my blog and reads my work. I was about to write on of him and Pirate!England but I decided that would be going way too far. Instead, this was born. Before I finished this masterpiece, I had attempted to read it to my friends during lunch but couldn't because I was laughing myself sick.

The phone was passed around to three people before we can finish reading the first 3 ½ pages I had done already.

Things like "acting coy", "ass tingled", mention of Jane from Line Play, and the amazing "Arthur shrugged and poked it" comes from a girl me and a few good friends knew from Line Play. She roleplayed liked this.

Katie's crab walk scream is an inside joke, too. It sounds similar to a pterodactyl, to sum it up.

The Sydney scream is another inside joke. She came up with several things to put in here, I couldn't help but include that hilarious scream thing she does sometimes in hopes she'll get a hit out of that.

It's very unprofessional to add inside jokes like this, but they really helped me out to make this as lame and hilarious as possible.

If you actually enjoyed this work, I'm glad. This was fun to work on, if I'm not busy with Køhler's Koffee or another fic, I might just write another one-shot like this one.

Peace!


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